For years, I’ve felt reluctant to grow up. All of my birthdays have been sad, because I just keep growing older. I cried when I got my period for the first time. And second. And third. I knew that was a significant mark of womanhood, and I wanted nothing more than to stay out of it. I cried the first time my Mom made me wear a bra. Though I have not worn one in three years, my boobs have grown and I still feel scared when I think about it. I quit my first job since it made me uncomfortable simply because I could not believe I was old enough to have one. I still haven’t had my first real kiss and I would never think about going to a high school party. Although it took me a long time, I realize I have a huge fear of growing up.
It’s not that I even had an amazing childhood that anyone would miss, but I just can’t seem to let go of it. Maybe I feel as though it COULD’VE been better, or it SHOULD’VE been better. I need to accept the fact that I cannot change it. Spending all of my time hoping and wishing I was raised in a different area or family wastes my time thinking about what I am doing right in this moment.
A lot of my childhood, I was obsessed with teenagers. When I’d go to the mall, I’d see the sixteen-year old boy and girl holding hands and smiling. I saw the group of girls holding 25 shopping bags collectively, whispering about the hot topic in their group. They always seemed so much older than me. Actually, they still feel so much older than me. Everyone my age has been through so much more than I have and I feel so behind and lonely. I feel like it’s time to stop obsessing over teenagers and the way they act (and calling them ‘they’ like I am not one myself). I need to experience things, kiss people, get a job, and do more than just sit in my room reading a book all day. I’m anxious and I don’t know where to begin.
I guess I just wrote this essay to make myself feel vulnerable and hopefully discover I am not alone. I’m not sure how exactly to grow up, but I think it starts by living in the present rather than the past, or even the future. I’m always in a rush, but I never stop to think what I’m doing. I need to stop trying to make things happen and accept that they will happen if they are meant to. I’m hoping 2018 is an actual fresh start, for me and everyone else reading this that feels lost. May you stick with your resolutions and prosper in every way you can. I love you. (This world needs more love.)
All the love,
Notevember, writing everyday for the sake of exploring all kinds of words.
Wednesday, November 1st
Im failing to forget about everything basically.
About how I could’ve loved you better and fixed this. Instead of sitting here listening to songs that make it extremely hard for me to forget everything.
Thursday, November 2nd
I rejected you at first, your love and care.
I thought that if I forced myself to forgot the idea of someone loving you existed.
Then I wouldn’t have to face the perishing heartache afterwards, but i did.
I slipped and fell so softly, i almost didn’t notice the falling. But the discomfort leached on to me until i had to acknowledge it eventually.
Friday, November 3rd
I’ll write to you, throughout this journey, i’ll write to you about several feelings and emotions that are so common between us because it’s simply Its what i do best.
I’ll write to you because my words carry a great value and i’ll never put more effort into anything but my words.
So for you, I’ll write
Saturday, November 4th
to you, my person.
Someone who i can easily talk to about how my sanity is leaving in little pieces.
She goes through impenetrable battles and she raises her head high.
Most importantly she carries pure wisdom, she sees the bigger picture like its left there at the back of her mind.
She’s a mosaic art piece and every piece of her tells a story deeper than the other.
My person, a rock in a fathomless atmosphere.
Sunday, November 5th
Love poems that screech in your head, so loud you try to block your ears. Love poems they fill your heart with an unknown feeling, perhaps its because you miss so dearly and you remember so clearly. How it once felt to love so deeply. But even if you grew past that, love poems speak so loudly. You don’t understand, you want to yell back ” do you have to be so loud? About your love and all that desires for someone? Do you have to be so loud about how dwelled in someone’s heart?” But you cant, and you stay quiet for the soul purpose which is of your heart. Because you once again remember how it felt at some point of your life.
Saturday, November 6th
a wicked smile, tears from laughter
she’s the epitome of an outstanding soul
in a crowd full of a million faces that look the same
she’s standing right there uniquely effortlessly
no way you’ll miss her.
Enya, better known as en_jajaja on multiple social media platforms, is an icon for hundreds of thousands of people.
First stop: Amsterdam!