I fell for someone. Someone I can’t have.
Someone who doesn’t like relationships. I fell for an asexual. Her games of thrones t-shirt and her pigtails just caught my eye. Why me? Having crushes is a nightmare But I’d rather be in that nightmare than anywhere else.
It’s amazing when you find someone with the same interests as you. We just fit. My first girl crush. I’m giggling uncontrollably as I’m writing this. I’m filled with feelings I haven’t felt In a while. I want it. I want her. I want to feel the rush. I want to feel her.
My first girl crush suddenly became my first kiss. If I’ve felt anything close to love, it’s this. Today I walked her to her car. She wanted to smoke to take her pain away and I wanted to be there. With her, to comfort her. “Should I tell her?” I thought. “Should I tell her I want to feel her breath on my skin. Should I tell her I want to hug her so tightly, not even the force of the universe could tear us apart.” I wanted to tell her. And so I did. We kissed. It was magic. It was all I hoped it would be. There were fireworks, I felt them. They were calling out to me telling me this is it. This is that moment.
I knew having a crush would be a nightmare. It was a nightmare I wanted. A nightmare that destroyed me. She was cold, coercive. Who should I blame? Myself for letting this happen? Or her for leading me on? I never meant to disregard her sexuality. But I’m angry, and sad, and hurt. She doesn’t love me back. It’s not her fault.
I miss her. I want to kiss her soft lips again.
“Don’t tell anyone. I just don’t want people to think I’m gay.” WTF
I’m still angry. I’m mad at her for taking away my first kiss. I’m mad at myself for letting her take it. She doesn’t need me; She’s perfectly fine without.
Why oh why oh whyyyyyyyy
Does this always happen to me???
I can’t help being a hopeless Romantic. I crave love. I crave beauty. I crave art. I crave the world and all its wonders, I crave HER.
Self love, mommina. Self love. Love yourself first. Your desires and thoughts and dreams and fantasies make up who you are, what you want to be. But you will not achieve them without self love, my dear.
I think I’m finally whole again.
It’ll take some time but I’ll get there.