Finding Myself

Life is an adventure, a story for many to take part in.

For me, my life has been much of a roller coaster, taking me up and down, throwing me upside down and out of gravity. In my short life on this planet, I’ve already learned a great deal of things, and in the process, I’ve lost and found myself, as well as who I am, numerous times. One of my biggest lessons in this is that you have to get lost in order to find yourself. Getting lost is, in fact, an adventure of itself.

 

Growing up in a divorced and blended family threw my life into a much different course than I would have ever expected. Some years were harder than others, and I often handled my pain in secret. However, I believe that these trials have prepared me for the real life issues I face every day, and they have molded me into a stronger woman. My biggest struggle during my adolescent years were with love. I didn’t feel loved or accepted by those around me. I felt I was a burden to my family and friends, and at one really unhealthy point in my life, I felt that if I no longer existed, the people around me would have less problems. It’s a little hard to figure out where you are and how you feel when you’re standing in the eye of a tornado.

 

That tornado was me, and although I couldn’t admit it back then with as much ease as I can now, I was a hot mess. The only thing that pulled me out of that terrible storm was God. Although, my relationship with Him is much different and much closer now, His love somehow saved me. As I started dating in high school, stumbling from relationship to relationship, I sought love and acceptance from whichever boyfriend I had at the time. I didn’t realize it then, but that’s exactly what I was doing.

 

In my transition to college, I was very stressed. I didn’t know how to handle the amount of homework I had to do, my time was always taken up, I never had time for myself, and I didn’t know how to handle this stress. A few anxiety attacks later, my friend had introduced me to a podcast that basically taught all about self-love. And at 18 years old, I delved into the depths of this wonderful world where I could provide myself with all the love and acceptance I would ever need.

 

As I continued working on myself, I learned so much about who I was and how beautiful I actually am, inside and out. But there was a lingering feeling, a sad and stinging feeling. Something was still not right. And although it took me a few tries in learning about myself, I realized I needed to be alone with myself for a while. It was almost a year ago that I decided to be single and actually truly single. No trying to ~talk~ to someone, or get into another relationship right after my previous one, just flirting and having fun and being my beautiful free self.

 

Being lost in relationships and being lost as a single person are two completely different things, but not really explainable. Being lost isn’t really something you can put into words. To describe it the best way that I can, it’s like feeling your life is completely falling apart, being nervous, feeling like your emotions have no validity, fighting, arguing, not knowing yourself, not knowing who you are, stumbling through life, wondering why you’re on this path, finding out that where you are is not where you want to be, not knowing how to start, not wanting to start, being… lost.

 

But this universal feeling is not uncommon. EVERYONE, literally, everyone feels lost at some point in their life. And the point of this isn’t to drag you through the crap storm that I’ve been through (crap storm is also a good word to describe being lost). My point here is to tell you just what the actual recipe is to getting back on the track you were meant to be on, getting… unlost.

 

By educating myself about how to love myself, by accepting my flaws and learning to improve them with that love, and by meditating and actually taking the time for myself, I’ve been able to figure out who I really am. Some days I get lost again, and I have a hard time finding my way back. But most of the time, “finding yourself” is actually less about being aware of where you actually are, and more about being content with not knowing where you are at all times. As you start to love yourself, you learn to be more content and find out how to become comfortable being uncomfortable. You find out that being lost isn’t such a scary thing, when deep down you know who you really are.

By Jeni

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