nothing poetic. just an angry diary entry.
The past few months have been extremely difficult for me in a way that I still cannot understand. Around September I started to feel this way and it is something I don’t talk about publicly because it makes me seem self-centered. But, as I have been sharing with a few close friends and received confirmation of what I believe is true, I feel I have been stripped of my unique individuality.
Everything I post and do is watched by 3,800 people on twitter, 500 on instagram, and 3,300 on tumblr. I don’t seem to have much of an issue on tumblr. But twitter is a different story. I see people beginning to dress the way I do, act the way I do, do things I used to do in hopes it validates who they want to be. But they cannot be me. I understand the simple action of borrowing ideas from your friends but when it is repeatedly taken from you and exploited to no end it begins to hurt. Something special you do becomes something mainstream and as stupid as is sounds, it hurts. We have dealt with seven different ROSEBLOOD rip offs, some who still deny it to this day yet everyone knows just what it appears to be. It angers me because it took Gabi and I around four months of planning before our site launched. With the launch came our pride in the hard work we had done as well as pay off of the money we invested into this magazine. Others saw what we had done, and quickly copied. Hoping to not miss out on the next “trend” yet, how original can you be if you just take giant parts of other people and label them as yours?
I am as insecure and confused as any other teenager. I am trying to find myself and find out who exactly that is. But I cannot build myself and my own character if people continue to cut off parts of me to use for themselves. It is not fair for you to take parts of me and make them you. Because they are me. I am flattered I can inspire some and don’t mind sharing things I love, but there is a line between inspiration and straight up rip offs. It has been crossed by many and I feel stripped of my identity. I know who I am and that I am unique in my own little bubble. But how can I make myself feel special if everyone takes those special parts of me? I don’t know, and I’m getting extremely redundant. I am frustrated. I want to confront all who have ripped parts of me from myself. Yet, I cannot. My words will be twisted and I will be screenshotted and sent into group chats being labeled as self centered and psychotic. I know this, because it has happened twice before. My own friends have done this to me and we don’t speak anymore. I don’t need them because they make me feel less whole than I am alone.
So, fuck you if you are reading this and fuck you for taking my honesty and raw personality as a threat to your fake little world in which you can do no wrong. It’s hilarious to me to think people are angry about my honesty. If it scares and bothers you so much, what does that have to say about your character? I am raw and honest in the most tender ways. I am proud of that. Don’t you fucking dare take something as real and as pure as that and turn it only on its negative edge. There is a loving side to honest and raw emotion. I am not going to mask anything I am feeling. Watch me cry in public. I am sick of others taking who I am and twisting it into an ugly rip off version of themselves. Stop trying to be like me, stop trying to be like that actress in the magazine, be your own fucking person. Just be.