Dad, they say money is the root of all evil, clearly they’ve never met you. You’re a different breed; a quiet kind of vile. You’re water that creeps to a boil and I’m the guileless toad. Dad, they say little girls everywhere fall in love with their fathers I didn’t realize that I was falling in love with your absence. The hole you left in my heart burned black and with a singed soul I looked for your approval in every boy I’ve ever loved. There’s a reason I repel validation. I grew up thinking neglect was beautiful, that one sided love was the only kind of love.
Dad, Your poison is embedded into my DNA. Despite countless efforts, I’ll never rid myself of your toxicity. I’ve spent lifetimes justifying
the fact that you treat doormats with more respect than you do me.
Dad, you’ve made a mess of me. I used to be afraid of the dark because all of my worst monsters looked and sounded like you. I used to be afraid of silence because I didn’t know what to expect when you weren’t screaming. In fact, I used to be afraid of every sound I made, I thought my giggles were gunshots. I thought I was afraid of me. You said I was afraid of everything, just like mom.
It took me seventeen years to realize I am afraid of becoming you.