An Open Letter to My Depression

9/13/16 12:44AM state of mind: the sky is falling
dear you,

hey. how are you? you’re probably fine, well even! i would tell you how i am, but you already know, you always know. which is kinda funny because you never seem to tell me. i’ve always held you close to me, my dear. i remember the first time we met, i was lying under my purple canopy with you and we talked for hours. you wiped the tears from my eyes and whispered “baby, my love, i’m here. i’ve got you.”. that was the first night i remember not sleeping and from that night forward we’ve been pals, friends, best friends even. every morning you’d tell me that i didn’t need to get out of bed “you’ll feel much better if you lie here with me, babygirl.”. you told me that there were better things to do than sing in the car like sleep or listen to the endless spilling of your heart. you would flood my brain with thoughts i couldn’t dare say out loud. and poems that were too much for me to articulate. you’d always tell me that i was “different” i was “too complex” to have friends my own age you said “none of these kids will understand you the way i can, my love.”. at recess you kept me busy with my hand scribbling something you thought necessary onto a pink notebook page. when i came home, you’d tell me i need sleep, but when i listened, you’d change your mind. you’d send me to bed hungry, because eating wasn’t something you liked me to do. you kept me up all night. once my mother noticed the bags under my eyes, we started our night conversations an hour, sometimes two, earlier than usual. you were excited to spend more time with me, but i have to admit, i wasn’t. you’d start by stroking my hair and calling me ‘precious’. then you’d tell me about the love you had for me. the flowers you saw growing inside of me. you promised you’d always be mine and, boy, do you know how to keep a promise. it was January of this year that you started to change. the constant want for my attention became a need and you became my whole life. you would mix up my “yes’s” and “no’s” and i was foolish for letting you. baby, as you were changing you begged me to change with you as if i even had a choice. now, you are forceful. when you tell me to stay in bed, you mean it and you tell me its because “i crave you like your body craves oxygen, sweet sweet love.”. i never know when you might show up anymore. when i am curled up next to the one that i love you get jealous and drag me by my arm to the mirror and tell me “bad baby, i told you to never leave me like that. we belong together. you are mine, i am all you need.”. baby, what i’m trying to say is that i don’t want to be your “precious girl” anymore. i wanted to tell you in person, but i fear your reaction. i know that reading this is like a war on heartbreak and i am the one who declared it. i am doing this for me. you do not own me, i own myself. though, i will be patient as you are packing your bags, as i know that is a horrendous task. in fact, i think that is you at the door right now. baby, you found me in the summer of 2008, but i think it is time for you to go. i will never forget you.

a girl
art by nina


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