A Breath of Death: an Essay


Over the years of my life, the short years of my insignificant life i have learned so much. More than most i would like to think. I’m not writing this to tell you what i’ve achieved and how i perceive life. I’m writing this as a statement, to just leave a few words of the accumulation of my short life to share.
Although i can’t say i’ve learned much because i’m only 16, i would still like for you to listen.

I think i’m going to start with love. This is a broad topic and i honestly could write forever about this. I’ve learned that there’s such a big difference between love and lust. most people contrast love and hate but when anybody asks me what is the opposite of love, i undoubtfully say lust. I’ve learned that my heart is too big for my body. i over romanticize absolutely everyone. Which can be hard. i love too much and it’s only hurting me. I’ve learned that i will never get over my first love ever. I’ve written 6 books about him and one of them is getting published. So i certainly did something write. Most kids hate writing. i absolutely love it. i write 1000 plus words a day. I have stacks of 100 journals of what’s going on inside my head. if i couldn’t write i think i’d combust otherwise. My number one tip in life would be to write. write. write. write. Ive invested too much time into this boy almost five years of my life and were still each other’s best friend. But over years i think it will get better. I’ve learned that i let the validation of other people loving me means that i can THEN love myself. which is not healthy. please learn to love yourself before you love someone else. i struggle with this absolutely every single day. It’s a nightmare. i’ve learned that i give too much love and safety to everyone. I have too much love. I’ll let 100 billion people know i love them and care about them before i admit i love myself. i have so much love but not enough for myself? Don’t do this to yourself whatever it takes absolutely take care of yourself first. I have failed tests and classes and missed school because i was up all night being everyone’s martyr but myself’s. Even if i didn’t know them well i would do absolutely everything and anything to make sure they go to bed happy. BE YOURE OWN MARTYR FIRST. i’m behind in classes and assignments because of this which results in self discouragement and feeling worthless like i’m not doing the most with my education. I want to make sure to make this point across if you’re someone like me. I don’t care who they are you didn’t sign up to be their therapist, if it’s making your quality of life worse….leave.

I think next im just going to go over how important the little things are. If there’s one thing i did better with my life i wish i wouldn’t stress myself out so much over insignificant things. I get mad because i can’t land a skateboard trick for the first 5 times trying in. i get frustrated with myself mostly over small things. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. accept your screw ups. the world moves on and so do you! Learn to appreciate everything. appreciate the moon, stars and sky and everything the world has to offer. i think we take a lot of things for granite. I’ve learned to love water, a simple concept that we have at our fingertips but i find most serenity near the water. And i’m grateful for that. Show people that you’re grateful for them and tell them you are. I wish i told more people even for just helping me with the simplest tasks how thankful and appreciative i am of them. I’ve always been a homeschooled kid till this year but appreciate your teachers, mentors, professors! Anyone who helps you gain knowledge. knowledge is something we take for granted and it’s not something everyone has. Also live life. I spent so many of my years focused on what my parents wanted and not what i wanted. I’m happy now that i’m doing what i want. My book is being published, i skate with my friends at the skatepark everyday, my art is being shown in galleries now. Please live your life the way you want to and for yourself never for anyone else. You will realize how much happier you will get and if you’re good at what you love you can get places. Don’t let anyone speak for you ever. Don’t let people toss you around like a sticky note in a high school classroom. Don’t take shit from other people that you don’t deserve. I need to take my own advice. Sometimes i feel like since i’m so small that people don’t really take me seriously. i feel like they think they’re obligated to always help me when i never asked for their help. Don’t let other people look down upon you. Something i wish i learned in my life.
My life was absolutely not perfect. i took more bullshit from people than i could handle but that’s just life. A lot of my life was hard but it’s all those small, brief, absolutely life changing moments that make it all worth it. I didn’t really get to talk about everything i wanted to. This statement would’ve been 100 pages longer if i could. I’ve got a lot to say but not enough space. So this is my best trying to summarize a lot of topics i think are necessary to cover. Now that my life is soon to be gone and all my thoughts, dreams, memories and love will all be diminished and forgot, resembled in a fragile, lifeless body. I think this was my best way of explaining what goes through my head every five minutes. This is what i want to leave with the world and i hope you take everything into consideration.

By the lovely Megan

Art cover by Nina


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