A collection of poems and writings from various people and their heartache.
Feelings by Mone’t
I am envious of that stone cold facade,
I wish I was like them,
but I wasn’t made that way.
I feel everything intensely,
for better or for worse,
It’s beautiful and sad,
It feels incredible and it hurts all at the same time.
Drunk in my bed,
Slur in our words,
I remember whispers leaving your lips,
I should’ve know it was all bullshit.
Stuck in the mud
We seemed like a good idea from a far, but we could never really work.
You and I are like soil and water–we mix well, but eventually turn into mud.
Corpse by Aly
We don’t speak anymore.
You have purple rimming your eyelids,
Red accenting mine.
How could something so young
So full of love and life
Last Words by Gabi
I remember you
“I Love You”
A collection of letters and words by Megan
tell me. 2:10 am
i always find myself coming here at this time of night. everyday i sit down and write 10 pages of why i love him but i always delete it, i just wanted to write it down to get it out. i could care less if anyone payed attention to this or not. I only ever post when im really fucked up so i guess this is just one of those times. ive always thought “whats the point” the point to all this everything in this world, so why not just say fuck it and do whatever you want. Thats evolved into “whats the point” as in whats the point of even getting out of bed in the morning and waking up and doing all these things to become something you’re not or dont want to be, or to fill time so you dont feel useless. I only feel as if theres only two reasons for me to being put on this earth. 1. so other people can use me so at least they have temporary happiness, 2. to love someone. But the thing is, love doesnt exist for me. However unrequited love does. and for that i have a sliver of chance that maybe someone one day could love me too. Thats the only thing i have going for me. The only thing stopping me from pulling the trigger. The only thing keeping me from stepping 1 too many steps off a roof. But what do i know? all i know is getting my hopes up only for them to be let down. I love him i really do and ill say it over and over again till my lungs collapse. I couldnt mean anything more than one sentence. But its not love. In order for that to be love, he has to feel the same way and no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he had/has any type of feelings for me wouldnt even begin to compare what i feel. I wish i could show people inside my head and show them what its like. what its like to feel like me and think like me. I wouldnt wish it upon anyone. Its absolutely awful the amount of circles my head makes in a day. in a second. i think im the most disgusting person to walk this planet and i cant even wrap my head around why anyone would even want anything to do with me. i dont see what other people tell me and i will never see it. its engraved in my head that im absolutely nothing. i dont understand why people talk so highly of me or still try to see the best in me. im none of those things. so whats the point? name one thing i have to live for. dont say my family, friends or future. family is shit. friends dont last forever. the future is never for sure. the only thing i can think of is him. the one minor thing that brings me all of my happiness and all of my sadness wrapped up in one humans body. But i can never tell him that. Then he will feel pressure, like its his obligation to make me happy. And its not his problem and i dont want it to ever be. I will never tell him anything, everything i WANT to say would be such a burden on him. I would never wish for someone to feel what i feel on anyone. I put on such a front like i dont care about shit, which is true i really dont care about anything anymore. Except i deeply care about this. which is weird because i dont have fucking feelings except with him. this is why i cant lose him. You see? the one person that makes everything okay but hes so oblivious to it all. How do i love someone who doesnt want my love. He really could do so much better, he’s out of my league and everyone says its the opposite. but i completely disagree. he without a doubt could get any girl he wants. Im just not the one worth wanting. And i know that, im okay with that. But if he ever leaves i just want to know why, thats all im asking. all im asking is for him to communicate. I dont sleep because of him. cant even tell you the last time i slept honestly. But is this all really worth it? waiting for the exact moment to hear those words that will make my heart completley shatter? is that worth it? waiting for my whole world, the only fucking reason i even want to get out of bed and do something, to leave. if i dont have him, what do i have? absolutely nothing. my family is probably better off without me and i most certainly am better off without them. My friends get sick of my bullshit and listening to me be sad. They accept my mental illnesses but they never want to come to the realization with having to deal with the symptoms. Maybe they think its just a label i give myself, i wish it was just that. I can tell when they get tired because, they stop answering my calls in the middle of the night, they stop responding to my texts or they just give me short answers. so theres that. Future. i have no idea what i want to do and even if i did i have no motavation to do it anyways. so theres that. So do i just end it now because deep down i know ill never be something to him. or do i painfully wait it out for my hopes just to be let down. cuz you know, theres always that sliver of chance. but i dont want to be the person he keeps running back to when he doesnt have anyone and then gets bored and leaves me for someone else. because that always fucking happens. so whats the point? dont give me stupid small reasons ive already experienced, ive traveled the world, ive been friends with celebrities, ive gone to so many events and done things with so many people, ive pretty much experience everything ive ever wanted to besides reciprocated love. which really isnt up to me. give me one good solid reason for something i have to look forward to and ill stay. otherwise this is goodbye.
Ive lost all feeling in my body. Ive lost trust with anyone i know. Ive lost people i love. Ive lost my head. I get these 20 minute panic attacks every few hours which makes me feel like im going to throw up. The only thing that can stop that is to not actually let anything sink in my head and xanax. Keeping my mind clear is the only thing keeping me alive. Id combust otherwise. Everything going on in my life collectively put into my brain makes me never be able to rest. I dont sleep for 3 days at times. As much as i try to keep my mind blank, its nearly impossible because every corner i turn has a reminder of something i once had but lost. Everything good in my life ive lost. Nothing is reliable or permanent, everyone, everything, seems to crawl and run away from my skin to the opposite ends of the earth. The worst part is i never get an explanation as to why that happened. Why they just upped and left me to stare at my walls and ceiling for 7 hours straight. I get inside my head and every ounce of me is telling me i wasnt good enough or theres something wrong with me or theres someone better. Sometimes ill go around 5 days without eating, its not because im starving myself, but because i dont even think of eating at all. My panic attacks make me want to throw everything up including my insides. It almost hurts to eat. Ive passed out and ended up in the hospital many times because of this and other things. I let everything thats ever happen to me pile up and let it sink in all at once. I think its best if i just stay out of social interaction with anyone, because thats what causes this in the first place. As much as i hope to find someone that actually likes me for long term, itll never happen. I keep my hopes up way to high, that maybe one day magically someone would actually want me.They arent good for me. As in the “significant others” that try to convince me the words rolling off their tongue are true. Their eyes seem way to convincing when they look at me. I always feel that they arent looking at me but over me to see something better. You werent looking at me, you weren’t looking for me. Tragic really. But reality for me at its purest. Ive written thousands of pages about one certain person that ill never share, he’s perfected convincing me. In absolutely every single way. And it hurts so fucking much to know that. Im not happy anymore. It feels like 17 bullets have been shot right through my chest. But ill never admit that, Il never admit it hurts. I act like everything is perfectly ok and im not hurting at all just because im scared of confrontation. I bottle everything up inside and im about to burst at any moment. I wish that i could forget some people, maybe that way i wouldnt be so fucked up. ive been pushed and stepped on by almost everyone. And at the touch of a the shoulder i could shatter at any moment. Im really not capable of anything anymore, ive been trying to get everyone to run away from me as far as possible. Fingers crossed. -1:55am
Things have been getting better until now. I can’t sleep, eat, or hang out with people anymore. I barely respond to anyone nowadays. Im writing this at 3 am and for a while i was just sitting staring at my hands wondering what i did wrong. Everything i do reminds me of him. I cant watch certain shows, listen to certain songs or go to certain places. Theres a lot of him in me and everywhere i go. I should be thankful for that though, i dont laugh anymore but he somehow managed to make me laugh and much more. He made me feel like everything was okay and for once someone actually cared about me and didnt just use me for my body. I was wrong. Hes just another one to add to the list. I dont know what im doing wrong but it seems every person i come in contact with just uses me for sex and then drops me like nothing ever happened. I was so quick to believe the words he said to me were actually true, they were just a bunch of bullshit words he tells every girl to get in their pants probably. But somehow i still manage to be in complete infatuation with him. He honestly could get any girl, he has everyone wrapped around his finger including me. I wouldnt even hesitate to take a bullet for him. Im jealous of someone thats not mine and how she has my whole world at her finger tips. I wish i was exaggerating. I wake up because of him, ive had so many chances to die, but i wont because theres always that sliver of chance things could end up okay. I know his intentions with me are just to fuck me and leave and i know that i really do. I just put unrealistic ideas in my head to make myself feel better. I feel like i cant do anything anymore and this is exactly how i felt two years ago and it fucking sucks because it ended the same way too. without a goodbye. Hes taught me so much in life and given me so much to hold on to and look forward to, so its nearly impossible to forget him and move on. like i said, theres a little bit of him everywhere i go. Its bittersweet really. No one really knows this but i genuinely dont like a lot of people ever, ive only liked 2 people max in my life. I just agree to being with people so at least im good for something and you know they can at least be happy and get something useful out of me. Thats why i agree to having sex with so many people, because quite frankly i dont really care about me. I could drop dead at any second and be ok with it. So as long as im living i just want to try to make other peoples lifes as good as it can get. Im sad i never got to say goodbye, because i cant say ill be alive for next year. Ive become so numb that i just dont feel anything at all. i force myself to not get attached to anyone or i would be in complete heartbreak when they would leave me for something better. I barely feel anything at all now, i forgot how to feel. Thats why this has been so nice because for the first time in many years i feel something, i dont know what it is but i know i feel something cuz when hes gone i want nothing more than to be by his side again. Hes the only thing that keeps me going nowadays. Like what do i have? My bullshit “family”, school, work, modeling and thats it. I dont want any of that, i’d choose him a billion times over any of that. The worst part is i dont think he understands how much he means to me and how in awe i am with him. I dont want to say im in love with him because i feel like for it to be “love” it has to be reciprocated and love doesnt exist for me for that exact reason. Hes so oblivious to it all. Hes hurting me unintentionally and its not his fault at all, its completely mine. Im scared of confrontation or anything really. I cant tell anyone how i ever feel because i know they will never feel the same way back and im scared theyll leave quicker once i tell them. I always end up loving someone a hundred times more than they could ever love me. Unrequited love is my second name. I always love but will never be loved. thats just how it is. I will never feel what its like to have reciprocated love. Im an object and im ok with that now. Although i feel like a paper being passed around, im ok with it now. im used to it. I depend on certain people to make me happy which isnt good at all because i was supposed to live a life in solitude. complete isolation. I wish i could tell people how i feel and i wouldnt be scared but i really dont think someone wants to listen to me say how much im in love with them. i just wanted to say goodbye, thats all. Im running out of time and quite frankly i think im flatlining.